Get the Ones With Wings, How to Live with the Sweet Ones.
When referring to My Husband I often call him My Mr. Rogers, the sweetest man in the world. It is true and this being my second marriage I am thankful for someone who is so full of such love for people. He can find something to love in even the contrariest of souls……. (No finger-pointing please!) It does, however, have its downside.
I know, hard to believe, but you have to understand that being married to the sweetest person in the world is hard work in its self.
Think about it. If you are having a bad day you can’t go yell at them, there the sweetest person in the world! It would be the equivalent of kicking a newborn puppy. You would be a sicko, slated to be unloved forever and ever.
People would whisper about you when you came in the room… “She’s married to the sweetest person in the world and you know what she did?????” There would be Gasps and Screeching in horror and Hateful Stares and…… yea it’s already happened….. to me! LOL
But you know, even though he is the sweetest person in the world, he somehow always seems to extract a little payback for my less than finer moments.
Case in Point.
I recently asked him to stop on his way home and get some things I needed. Chocolate, some PMS pain relievers and feminine hygiene products. It was odd that I had run out of everything at once and I am usually a better planner than to let that happen, but here it was, that moment in 10 years + of marriage that he had the opportunity to prove how mature he was.
Some Men freak out when you even mention things like this, what would he do?
“The ones with wings.” I know I said “the ones with wings” to him about 20 times in the conversation. Have you ever given a man a list over the phone? Why do we do that to ourselves?
He repeated back “Chocolate, check, PMS Pills, Check,” then there was the pause, the one that let me know I better give him a better description. So I went and got the empty package from the trash and begin to give him a full description of the packaging. “There in a plastic package kind of like plastic wrap and the little window on the front is green. They have 4 little tear shaped drops on the front and 3 are colored in and…”
“Wait!” he said “what does that mean? The 3 tear drops colored in?”
“It has to do with the heaviness of the flow and the absorbency of the napkin” i replied and continued on, “They also say super absorbent extra – long with wings. (21 times I said with wings….)
He arrived home bag in tow and I was not really surprised that he had picked them up for me after all he is the sweetest man in the world.
He pulled out the Chocolate Bar, my brain said “CHECK!” and sat it on the counter and then he pulled out the PMS pills and made sure I saw the words EXTRA STRENGTH emblazoned across the bottom, “CHECK!” my brain cried out, I smiled and he pulled out the Feminine hygiene “napkins”.
They were pink, extra long super absorbent with 4 tear drops colored in and no wings……. ” I found these with 4 drops colored in and thought they would be better!” He smiled and nodded.
He tends to be an overachiever. “They don’t have wings.” I stated the obvious. He smiled, “they have this little sticky pad on the back and you peel it off and they stick to your underwear and” I put up my hand, the universal symbol for STOP TALKING!. Now we all know that they all have this feature but I realized this was his first time doing this service so I took a deep breath.
Let me pause right here and note that at this moment I made a decision, you see our Pastor had been preaching a series on growing in Spiritual Maturity and that a sign of the spiritually immature is that they will state things like “you are making me angry” when, he said, in reality you are allowing yourself to become angry. I’m trying to grow as a christian, but some of this stuff is hard to chew on.
Even though I know, no man who has ever experienced a menstrual cycle AND even though I could not even begin to understand what made him think that; a. he could make a better decision than me in that department or b. at my age I had tried them all and knew what I liked and what worked best for me, I decided to reign in the hormones that were about to rip his head from his body and stop the vomit that was about to spew forth on the sweetest man in the world and just deal with it.
He had worked over and It was late, we were both tired and I just wanted to go to bed and I would just go get what I needed tomorrow. Which meant today I had no wings.
We went to bed and sure enough what I thought would happen, happened.
You see the wings are designed to hold it in place diminishing the likelihood that it will shift, move or just leave its post all together, and I woke up to it having left its post.
I got up changed pajamas and begin to wonder what I could do to make certain it did not happen again before morning.
In my changing I awoke the sweetest man in the world who asked in his most concerned voice what was wrong? I told him, he apologized and asked what he could do. “Well for starters,” I said “next time I say the ones with wings Get the ones with wings.” (yes, I know not very gracious.)
Then Mr. Rogers had an idea. Since these did not have wings and they were all we had why didn’t we make some little wings for them with some Duct tape? And I, In my sleepy, Chocolate overdosed and Extra Strength PMS pill induced stupor thought it was a good idea.
So I found some leopard print Duct tape in the kitchen drawer and proceeded to add little wings to my “napkin” and then trotted back off to bed with my wings and my heating pad.
I have to pause here and ask you a question…Do you know what happens to the glue on duct tape when it gets hot?
It will spread and fuse itself to everything it comes into contact with.
It does not tell you this on the duct tape ~ There is no warning on the duct tape that says this could rip things off your body….. like hair and skin.
I promise It isn’t on there I sat in my bathroom for hours looking at the roll trying to figure out a way to cautiously and carefully remove these wings from my person where they had melted into and stuck on to things that are at this very moment in time, still unmentionable.
When you use Duct tape to make wings you should really do it after you contemplate all the things it could come into contact with.
And why does it not stick to Napkins and Cotton fabric? I don’t understand this phenomenon as I use it to hem my pants all the time!
Oh the places it will go…..
And to make it worse, the sweetest man in the world is standing outside the door asking in his kindest voice “Sweetie? Is there anything I can do to help?” ……… I swear every time he said it my head would spin round like the exorcist!
I’d Press a little section of skin down, peel the tape a tiny section and wait for my head to stop spinning so I could do another piece. Take a deep breath….
“No Honey, I got this……” I yell back to the closed-door through gritted teeth. The whole time thinking if that Pastor lived through some of the things I have survived being married to the sweetest man in the world he would never again stand in the pulpit and say something as crazy as “You allow people to make you angry”
An hour or so later I exit the restroom, walking real funny. I don’t raise my voice, I don’t ALLOW myself to get angry. I simply waddle through to the kitchen and get the car keys. Now It’s Saturday and he’s off and he yell’s out “wait I’ll go with you.”
I take a deep breath and remind myself I could always go to another church there are several near my home. I might even Change Denominations.
We get in the car and go to the nearest store, I buy a Chocolate bar, some adhesive remover for skin and the “ONES WITH WINGS”. I don’t say a word I just show him the package, where they are on the shelf. He doesn’t speak just nods.
We go to the checkout counter and I sit my items up on the counter and out of the corner of my eye I see him shaking his head ever so slightly at the clerk.
I look at him, I raise my eyebrow in question he shrugs and does his best to look innocent.
I look at her and she says, “I told him not to get the pink ones, I told him they didn’t have wings, I told him the others could be dangerous and you know what he said? ”
I look at him, his face is turning red he shrugs again. And he Does I love you in his own sign language to me.
I turn back to the clerk I smile and can only whisper through my stiffened jaw and I say “No, What did he do?”
She said ” He threw his head back and went HAHAHA I fear nothing, I have the Chocolate,” She said he picked it up and waved it around in the air then he shouted “I have the PMS Pills,” and he even pointed out to her that they were extra strength and then she said he said ” HAHAHA, I laugh in the face of danger! and he bought them anyway. ”
I raised my eyebrow to her, I smiled (you know the smile ladies, the one that scares people) and I turned to “Mr. Fear Nothing, Mr Laugh in the Face of Danger, Mr. I’ll pick the ones I want you to have after I told him 21 times…… ”
I want to see his reaction to this accusation, I want to know that there is remorse for the pain and suffering he has caused me, I want him to know that I was right and he was wrong, that he should have listened and got the ones with wings…… & I have to say I was not really surprised when I turned to where he had been standing, and he was gone.
Done went out and locked himself in the car.
Prayer Ladies, Lots of Prayer, That’s How you live with the sweet ones, I don’t think anybody talks to God as often or as Loudly as I do.